Cotton Mouth

"Heaven help me for the way I am..."

I've found myself going through a very strange spiritual awakening of sorts. Well, that's not necessarily the most accurate way to define it but beggars can't be choosers and my metaphors have been lacking these days. Lack of originaltiy aside, I do find that my existence has been drowning in several things; energy, creativity, thoughts, and so on and so forth.

After suffering through almost 4 months of writer's block, I suppose this influx was expected. While I am enjoying it, I'm also irritated by it. Accepting this reality leads to several realizations; the flimsy nature of my mood, the fact I may never run out of something to declare say, and my infamous ability to be "too much". Of all the various things I dislike about myself, that would have to the top choice. There's an old saying that goes, "Complete abstinence is often simpler than moderation", and my life is (at times) something of a tribute to that adage. Perhaps it's my astrological sign, my love for theatricality, suffering from middle child syndrome depsite being the oldest... Who knows why I am the way I am?

(Okay, well I do, but I'm not going to share that here. Hi, Mom.)

This piece lacks any purpose or message, but I needed a way to get rid of some of this "creativity". So yes, I'm very dramatic and over-the-top. It's part of the reason why I'm always hesitant when it comes to relationships of any sort because I have yet to figure out a way to moderate my magic. Let the record show, that I'm my own worst critic so I suppose I'm not as suffocating as I portray myself to be, or at least not anymore.

The plus side? I have a career in theater should this whole medical school thing not work out.

Breaking down the fourth wall,

S.

PS - What is your least favorite attribute about yourself?
PPS - I just realized I enjoy writing about this topic, so I may discuss it a bit more.

Le Téléphone Arabe

Excellent song. They just don't make music like this anymore. 

Sometimes, I wish we could pass along what we have in life when we no longer want it. If we grow tired of life, we can give our remaining years to someone who truly wants to be here. Someone who has children or loved ones that they want to stick around for. It's like that old saying, "Youth is wasted on the young", in the sense that I've found myself at a point where I no longer want or need anything. Life in Kuwait is what it is, and any change that would make me happy is decades away. Who's to say I'll still want it when that time rolls around? As selfish and as ungrateful as it sounds, I'm pretty much over everything. I've given and done my best, with very little satisfying return. I don't half-ass anything, and I'm no longer interested in living half a life. 

I'm going to keep through the motions for the remainder of this summer, but I've decided that I've had my fill of Kuwait. I don't think I'll be blogging after I jet off, and the same goes for all my other social-media platforms. I was never interested in them back home, but it was a lack intellectual sophistication in Kuwait that drove me to pursue things like Blogger and Twitter. Using them, I've discovered that there are many amazing people out there, and I suppose I can now take comfort in the fact that I'm "not alone". 

I started this blog to document my freshman year in KU, and to weigh in on all things Kuwait and I did just that. I don't think I caused as many waves as I wanted, but if one person read anything I wrote here and reconsidered any of the various topics I've covered, then I guess it was worth it. I tried with Kuwait, I really tried. As they say, I'm done.

Let's enjoy the remainder of our time together. Let me know if there's any particular topic or promised post you guys want to read and I'll do my best to put something together.

Letting it all go,

S.

PS - I have a second "Snap Snap" post in the works.

PPS - The title of this post is the French name for a game called Chinese Whispers. The game reminds me a lot of how Kuwaiti society functions. 

White Witch

Say what you will, this classic stands the test of time.

There are two type of people in this world. Those will will use all the ice in the freezer without a second thought to other other people in the house, and those who will use it and then promptly refill the icetray.

Which category do you fall under?

Shaking in her boots,

S.

Sin + Mmms

How do I do it? I don't know, but you can ALWAYS add a bit of Gaga if you try.

Not to sound ungrateful or stuck up, but I rarely ever receive gifts that I like. Not to say that I don't appreciate and cherish the things my friends and family pick out for me, but it's just that generally miss the mark. Sure, earrings or a necklace would make any girl happy, but only if they truly appeal to your aesthetic. Granted, I'm still figuring out my aesthetic but I've made enough progress to know what I don't like and most of the gifts I receive fall under that category.

 

One recurring theme with these tokens of appreciation has been hearts. Not in the literal sense, though. That would just be creepy. Anyways, whether it's stationary, jewellery, or thematic makeup the concept surrounding these gifts has consistently been cardiac related. At first, I thought it just meant that it should only make sense the people closest to me wouldn't realize that the last thing I'd want is heart-shaped stud earring if I wasn't being my true self around them. In an effort to try and represent myself as someone I'd find interesting, as opposed to as someone who reflected the things she found to be interesting, I had left the masses misinformed. 

 

Now that we have the lengthy and sloppy explanation of this piece out of the way, let me share how I've manipulated (understood?) this recurring theme into something I can mold for my benefit. What I'm saying is that I think life is meaningless, but it doesn't mean that I don't still try to give it some meaning from time to time.  

 

There I go being clever again.

These people I love, despite never having the chance to see the real me, time and time again, give me their hearts. Or, at least sizable pieces of them. They don't realize and I don't always know it, but its true. Disregard the material aspect of gift-giving; any time you reach out to someone else by extending a part of yourself, something that says "Hey, I thought about you" you realize what a truly beautiful and mystifying thing thing love really is.

 

(I still don't want any of it though.)  

 

 

Buffing those pearls, 

 

 

S.      

Celebrations

Happy birthday.

Sparks

Our song, Kuwait.

"Curiosity is the lust of the mind." - Thomas Hobbes 

Like the first world cliché that I am, I've been wallowing in self-pity and despair for quite some time now. I want to say it's a a recent development, but the truth is I've been drowning in this current state of emotional bullshit since about past November. I hadn't noticed it as it began to take root because I spent inordinate amounts of time ensuring I had my hands full; writing for this blog, researching things about Kuwait, consuming KU in all it's cannibalistic glory. What's funny is that I never intended for this blog to be personal in any sense of the word. My original intent was to use it as a creative platform on which I could (objectively) document my year at KU through funny posts, satirical essays and the odd compilation of photos.

Time has (once again) proven that the joke's on me.

After initially signing up for a couple of summer courses at KU, I spent a week trekking back and forth to the campus only to realize that my time there had come to an end. Where I once felt at ease and completely liberated, I found myself fighting off anxiety attacks and swallowing far too many urges to scream. If nothing else, these past few years in Kuwait have taught me to recognize when I'm not wanted. The love affair with KU, however satisfying, had come to an unapologetic end. While I attempted to look the other way and just keep going through the motions, a very integral part of realized that two semesters was all I would get and give to Kuwait University. There was no charm in this third attempt at magic.

Magic... What a captivating notion.

It manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Precious circles pulled out from behind tiny ears, queens and kings manipulated for our gain, doves freed from the most obscure emptiness are all examples of where our thoughts rush to when magic is brought up. We often fail to recognize its manifestation in the details. In our want to be overwhelmed and left gasping in awe, we give away our wonder to the most menial of things, thinking it doesn't get any better than this. Sitting here, I'm slowly accepting that it probably won't. My inexplicable sadness is rooted in the realization that things weren't always this way.

A long time ago, I once felt and saw magic in so many things. One area which, in hindsight, always leaves my mouth slightly open in wonder is how any relationship developed. As has been stressed upon frequently enough, I moved around a lot as a child. Realizing that this pattern would be my life (or at least a sizable part of it) I made it my mission to savor and learn as much as I possibly could from any and every person that entered my life. Mind you, this was before the dawn and eventual take-over of social networking sites, so when it was time for me to move on and leave behind these new people in the past, they stayed there. It wasn't so much a choice as it was due to a lack of options.

Now, I have options and I have no idea what to do. Do I continue trying to find balance and work at maintaining frienships or do I just do what I always do and pack up, leave town and start over? I don't want to, but then again I have been doing this all my life. Anything other than this would be too different. It would propel me out of my safety zone. I don't want to spend difficult moments and lonely nights abroad taking comfort in the fact I have people "back home". I don't know when Kuwait became home. I don't want it to be home. I don't want my peace of mind to depend on other people, if only in the tiniest sense.

Did I mention I'm moving to Ireland in about six weeks?

I probably didn't, did I? You'll have to forgive me, as I've spent copious amounts of time doing the one thing I vowed to never do: I've been looking back on my life these past 12 months and regretting more than I ever thought I would. Perhaps if I had remained out of reach things would be easier for me now. Perhaps if I had just remained content with wondering, as opposed to experiencing, I would still have that lusty mind of mine as a safe-haven. But, my mortality was solidified by the fact my curiosity got the best of me.

I wanted, and so I got and now I have. What do I do with all of it?


Dying to repent,

S.

PS - What's up?  

Verity

The quality of my life would improve if more people dressed like hookers from the Eighties.

In my defense, it has been a busy month.

I know, I know, I know. I promised (like I always do) several posts about all things to do with June: Summer, Pride month, transitions and an update on my life but... Well, I've been busy living that life. Not to say that since I've somehow managed to fall ass backwards into a life, that I've forgotten about you guys... Because I haven't. 

Really. 

(Side note: Does anyone still read this thing?)

Melodrama and my latent teen-angst aside, let's all take our eyes off my impeccably phrased, albeit half-assed, excuses and cast a quick glance at the title of this post.

No, folks it's not just another one of those obscure words I toss your way in an effort to come across as wiser and wittier than I actually am. It's an old word to for a very new aspect of my life. "Verity" is a synonym for "Truth". (Find a less hormonal explanation/definition here.)

As we all know, June is International Pride Month. What are we celebrating? We are celebrating ourselves. We are celebrating our family, our friends, our lovers, our soul-mates... We are rejoicing in liberty; personal, physical and emotional.

Sadly, we do so quietly in Kuwait. However, for the sake of beautiful news like gay marriage being legalized in New York only a few glorious days ago and the fight against DADT still being fought, we must not focus on the negative. We'll look to the positive and strive for more of that good stuff. Deal? Deal. (Can I just say I love it when you guys agree with me? I do. I really, really do.)

Kuwait is one of those countries where there will be a lot of shame and stigma surrounding you (and your family/loved ones) if you fail to fit into a very narrow mold. Try to spread your wings beyond a cetain set of criteria and you'll have guns aimed at you like it's hunting season and neon is the new black. Things aren't hopeless though; it just takes things longer in some parts of the world. Religion and politics aside, gay rights are human rights. Whether you agree with this or not is entirely up to you. However, ask yourself this question: What makes you so much better than someone who is gay? What gives you an entitlement to more rights, more freedom to express yourself and more liberty?

Exactly. 

You don't have to condone, celebrate or promote something you don't "believe in", but you shouldn't condone, celebrate or promote hatred towards anyone or anything either. My strict (but always loving) Scottish God Mother raised me with several old-school sayings, and the one that I still carry around with me is the following:

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

It's that simple. 

   

Dipping her fingers into your true colors,
S. 
PS - Gay marriage has been legal in Canada since 2005... Just saying.  PPS - Congrats to Beyonce on the release of her album today. It's an excellent piece of work. PPPS - This one was for you.