Sparks

Our song, Kuwait.

"Curiosity is the lust of the mind." - Thomas Hobbes 

Like the first world cliché that I am, I've been wallowing in self-pity and despair for quite some time now. I want to say it's a a recent development, but the truth is I've been drowning in this current state of emotional bullshit since about past November. I hadn't noticed it as it began to take root because I spent inordinate amounts of time ensuring I had my hands full; writing for this blog, researching things about Kuwait, consuming KU in all it's cannibalistic glory. What's funny is that I never intended for this blog to be personal in any sense of the word. My original intent was to use it as a creative platform on which I could (objectively) document my year at KU through funny posts, satirical essays and the odd compilation of photos.

Time has (once again) proven that the joke's on me.

After initially signing up for a couple of summer courses at KU, I spent a week trekking back and forth to the campus only to realize that my time there had come to an end. Where I once felt at ease and completely liberated, I found myself fighting off anxiety attacks and swallowing far too many urges to scream. If nothing else, these past few years in Kuwait have taught me to recognize when I'm not wanted. The love affair with KU, however satisfying, had come to an unapologetic end. While I attempted to look the other way and just keep going through the motions, a very integral part of realized that two semesters was all I would get and give to Kuwait University. There was no charm in this third attempt at magic.

Magic... What a captivating notion.

It manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Precious circles pulled out from behind tiny ears, queens and kings manipulated for our gain, doves freed from the most obscure emptiness are all examples of where our thoughts rush to when magic is brought up. We often fail to recognize its manifestation in the details. In our want to be overwhelmed and left gasping in awe, we give away our wonder to the most menial of things, thinking it doesn't get any better than this. Sitting here, I'm slowly accepting that it probably won't. My inexplicable sadness is rooted in the realization that things weren't always this way.

A long time ago, I once felt and saw magic in so many things. One area which, in hindsight, always leaves my mouth slightly open in wonder is how any relationship developed. As has been stressed upon frequently enough, I moved around a lot as a child. Realizing that this pattern would be my life (or at least a sizable part of it) I made it my mission to savor and learn as much as I possibly could from any and every person that entered my life. Mind you, this was before the dawn and eventual take-over of social networking sites, so when it was time for me to move on and leave behind these new people in the past, they stayed there. It wasn't so much a choice as it was due to a lack of options.

Now, I have options and I have no idea what to do. Do I continue trying to find balance and work at maintaining frienships or do I just do what I always do and pack up, leave town and start over? I don't want to, but then again I have been doing this all my life. Anything other than this would be too different. It would propel me out of my safety zone. I don't want to spend difficult moments and lonely nights abroad taking comfort in the fact I have people "back home". I don't know when Kuwait became home. I don't want it to be home. I don't want my peace of mind to depend on other people, if only in the tiniest sense.

Did I mention I'm moving to Ireland in about six weeks?

I probably didn't, did I? You'll have to forgive me, as I've spent copious amounts of time doing the one thing I vowed to never do: I've been looking back on my life these past 12 months and regretting more than I ever thought I would. Perhaps if I had remained out of reach things would be easier for me now. Perhaps if I had just remained content with wondering, as opposed to experiencing, I would still have that lusty mind of mine as a safe-haven. But, my mortality was solidified by the fact my curiosity got the best of me.

I wanted, and so I got and now I have. What do I do with all of it?


Dying to repent,

S.

PS - What's up?  

Beats

Who wants to guess what's on fire?

On this blog, we (my ego and I) preach about love and acceptance. Today is the first day of February, so that being that, I OFFICIALLY declare February to be the 'Month Of Love'. What does this mean, you wonder? Well, it means a lot. It includes, but is not limited to, the following:

• Posts discussing the reality of dating (and things of that nature) in the Middle East, Kuwait specifically. 
• My favorite love songs and why I like them (Yes, feminists have feeling too) (Sometimes).
• Love songs I find to be ridiculous and just straight up stupid (Bruno Mars, I'm looking at you). 
• Patriotism, and what it means (It's a form of love, and Kuwait's national holidays are in February, so I'm still with the theme). 
• Why it is my dream to die alone and husband-less
• All and any other random philosophical bullshit that I come up with.

Yes folks, I've decided to inject my blog with a healthy dose of tear-inducing estrogen because February is, if nothing else, a month of bullshit and promises. Oh, and love (I always forget that last one). So, I'll do my best to post daily and keep it relevant to Kuwait all while being fun. By fun, I mean ridiculously inappropriate... Or clever... Or both.

Moving onto today's post: The Implications of A Glance

In honor of of all the crazy shit I see on Gulf road and Valentine's day, and being the deluded blogger with a God complex creative genius that I am, I've decided to score the stereotypical Kuwaiti fling using lyrics from various songs I have on my iPod. The themes are love, exchanging numbers, phones, money, driving, highways, stolen glances etc.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a Kuwaiti love affair from start to finish. 

I apologize in advance Enjoy.

The Implications of A Glance

Christina Aguilera - Genie In A Bottle

Hormones racing at the speed of light
But that don't mean it's gotta be tonight
Baby, baby, baby
(Baby, baby, baby)

 The Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good

 Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making the eyes at u  
What it is that surprises me is that I don't really want u to

Timbaland & Katy Perry - If We Ever Meet Again

Ya habeeby Baby tell me what's your story
I ain't shy, don't you worry
I'm flirtin with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight

Rihanna Feat. Drake - What's My Name

You just waiting on the traffic jam to finish girl
The things that we could do in twenty minutes girl

Beyonce - Yes

Somewhere between hi and goodbye
I felt so comfortable
I felt like we could BBM talk all night
So I gave my number to you

Lady Gaga - Summerboy

Hey there summer boy
Let’s go for a drive
Take me for a ride
Never gonna close our eyes
Hey there summer boy
I’m a busy girl
Don’t have too much time
Hurry up before I change my mind

Pause

Sia - The Co-Dependent

Feels like we are married and I haven't run away, run away, run away
So many years I've carried you in my arms
Yet I stay, yet I stay, yet I stay
And still I come a-running when I hear the telephone,
telephone, telephone 

Ace of Base - All That She Wants

The gentle voice that talks to you won't talk forever
It is a night for passion
But the morning means goodbye

No Doubt - It's My Life

And I've asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?

Skip

Lady Gaga - Telephone  

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!

No Doubt - Don't Speak 

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we? 

Shuffle

Shakira - Don't Bother 

So don't bother,
I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine
Promise you won't ever see me cry
And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type, not your type, not your type, not your type
Promise you won't ever see me cry

2Pac - I Ain't Mad At You

And I can't even trip, 'cause I'm just laughin' at cha
You tryin hard to maintain, then go head
'Cause I ain't mad at cha
I ain't mad at cha

Repeat

Shuffling her thoughts,

S.

PS - How did you interpret the story? You know where the comments go.

The Meat Grind

No burgers OR hot dogs. Metaphorically speaking. Yeah.  

The first week of the new year is quickly drawing to an end, and here I am... Or should I say, here we are? Yes folks, you read that correctly: The Expat Files now has FIVE followers! Count them and weep! Also, when you're done weeping, get back to reading this post. Please and Thank You in Advance.

(If I ever get ten followers on this thing, I'm starting a religion. Humanity... Consider this your warning).

However, I'm getting off track here. Let's head back to my main point: The new year. 

Culturally speaking, a new year generally means a new beginning, right? Seeing as how I successfully killed it with three out of four of my resolutions for 2010 (I still get panicky around Kuwaitis in large numbers), my ego was feeling rather fluffed and so I decided to really challenge (read: willingly make myself miserable) this year, and set out on conquering a few more goals. They are as follows:

• Become a vegetarian, and slowly phase into a completely vegan diet - This one of for my health, and because I didn't think I was giving people enough reasons to dislike me. I've been meat-free for almost 10 days now, and I'm feeling good. I'll dedicated a more detailed post to this and the reasons behind sometime

• Get out of KU - My entire blog is dedicated to this point. Any further explanation will see me jumping off of Kuwait Towers. Seriously.

• That's it - I apologize for not having more of a life. 

Bullets aside, I can't deny I've been feeling very disillusioned as of late. My first semester at KU comes to an end next Wednesday, and so you would assume I'd happy. Why would I be happy? Well, let's see:

• I should be happy to have made it through the first three months there.
• I should be happy to have made it through the first three months there.
• I should be happy to have made it through the first three months there.

The only downside to that fact would be the fact that I still have semester 2 and the summer semester to get through... AND SCENE. 

I'm done bitching. For now.

This entire charade was just my way of declaring my new meat-less life. Think of it as my way of protesting my time spent at KU, as in I refuse to kill animals to survive if I can't kill the cows I got to school with.

That, and I'm trying to get out of a creative funk.  

Basking in the after-taste of inspiration,

S.

Lyric of The Day: "She could kill me, just like she did before..." True Love Way - Kings of Leon

PS - Have you conquered any goals recently? You know where the comments go.

She A'aight, Sunn.

Why not? Exactly.

(I know this isn't a topic that is usually spoken about, at least not publicly, but this is my blog and what I'm writing today is not being written with the intent to hurt, offend or marginalize anyone. I'm trying out this "honest" approach to writing, and if I can educate or help someone out in the process, then cool. If not, I hope we can agree to disagree with respect and peace.)

Recently, I've been at a writing standstill of sorts. What generally happens is that I'll hear or read about something I find to be relevant to Kuwait, and then I'll want to blog about it. Sounds simple, right? WRONG. Every time I try to sit down and come up with something that is cohesive, poignant and informative, I fall terribly short. One of the primary reasons for this goes back to my fluency (or lack thereof) in Arabic. Long story short, I'm lacking in resources that I can actually use, and it's frustrating to say the least. 

So, since I can't blog about some of these more "relevant" topics from a purely factual point (to which I would then add my educated opinion on the matter), I've decided I'll try something new, something a bit more... vulnerable? I'm not entirely sure if that last word is an accurate description of this new angle I'm going for, but we'll see. My new approach will see me discussing my interpretation of current topics, how I've come across them and what they are to me. Simple? I hope so. 

Today's topic has to do with something I regrettably felt while reading a fellow blogger's post about recent events that occurred in Kuwait. The post was lengthy, but written very well, so I was engrossed, to say the least. Towards the end of the post, there was mention of Shi'ite MPs, and the blogger discussed some of this sect's history and what not. It wasn't a major component of article, but it was there. It was enough, as they say. Enough to... irritate me.

I don't have words that can describe how disgusted I am with myself as I write this... For no apparent reason, and certainly without good cause, I slowly but surely began to feel a small bubble of animosity rise in me as I read the few sentences that mentioned Shi'ites. I was caught off guard; growing up, my parents never instilled any "We are Sunna, they are Shi'ite" mentality in me. In fact, religion was rarely ever brought up, apart from the standard basics: prayer, Ramadan, reading from the Quran on Fridays.... that was pretty much it. Both my parents are medical professionals; neutrality is the name of their game. That got me thinking: if these feelings of hostility weren't got from my background or upbringing, then where did they come from? I just found it so surprising that I, The Expatess, a politically correct Canadian (It's what we're famous for) with agnostic tendencies had these feelings within her. The worst part was that they came up without any real cause. Just the mention of the "other sect" of Islam was enough to stir up these very alarming emotions. I was, and still am, dissappointed in myself for that momentary (albeit subconscious?) loathing. A strong word, but I'm trying to be honest here in hopes I'm raising awareness about prejudice most of us don't realize we have. From the reflection I've done on the matter, I believe that while it's not explicitly said out loud, there is enough of a whisper about Shi'ites in the Sunna communities to be heard. While it won't affect daily interactions or (hopefully) friendships and relationships, I worry about its effect on a macroscopic level. Were I any less of a person, I would have possibly embraced this silly hatred. Then someday, when I've grown up and found myself in a position of power, my subconcious bias WILL affect decisions I make, decisions that could affect many people.  Decisions that could harm many people, for no reason other than their beliefs. My subconscious could easily override my conscience, and crimes against humanity could occur. This is how injustice is bred; slowly, surely and quietly. 

It's a scary thought.  

Wondering if you can hear her now,

S. 

PS - The floor is yours, I'd love for some feedback on this from anyone and everyone. 

PPS - On a lighter note, my Mom thinks I wrote this post because I have a crush on a Shi'ite guy. Mothers... :p