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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sparks

Our song, Kuwait.
"Curiosity is the lust of the mind." - Thomas Hobbes 
Like the first world cliché that I am, I've been wallowing in self-pity and despair for quite some time now. I want to say it's a a recent development, but the truth is I've been drowning in this current state of emotional bullshit since about past November. I hadn't noticed it as it began to take root because I spent inordinate amounts of time ensuring I had my hands full; writing for this blog, researching things about Kuwait, consuming KU in all it's cannibalistic glory. What's funny is that I never intended for this blog to be personal in any sense of the word. My original intent was to use it as a creative platform on which I could (objectively) document my year at KU through funny posts, satirical essays and the odd compilation of photos.

Time has (once again) proven that the joke's on me.
After initially signing up for a couple of summer courses at KU, I spent a week trekking back and forth to the campus only to realize that my time there had come to an end. Where I once felt at ease and completely liberated, I found myself fighting off anxiety attacks and swallowing far too many urges to scream. If nothing else, these past few years in Kuwait have taught me to recognize when I'm not wanted. The love affair with KU, however satisfying, had come to an unapologetic end. While I attempted to look the other way and just keep going through the motions, a very integral part of realized that two semesters was all I would get and give to Kuwait University. There was no charm in this third attempt at magic.

Magic... What a captivating notion.

It manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Precious circles pulled out from behind tiny ears, queens and kings manipulated for our gain, doves freed from the most obscure emptiness are all examples of where our thoughts rush to when magic is brought up. We often fail to recognize its manifestation in the details. In our want to be overwhelmed and left gasping in awe, we give away our wonder to the most menial of things, thinking it doesn't get any better than this. Sitting here, I'm slowly accepting that it probably won't. My inexplicable sadness is rooted in the realization that things weren't always this way.

A long time ago, I once felt and saw magic in so many things. One area which, in hindsight, always leaves my mouth slightly open in wonder is how any relationship developed. As has been stressed upon frequently enough, I moved around a lot as a child. Realizing that this pattern would be my life (or at least a sizable part of it) I made it my mission to savor and learn as much as I possibly could from any and every person that entered my life. Mind you, this was before the dawn and eventual take-over of social networking sites, so when it was time for me to move on and leave behind these new people in the past, they stayed there. It wasn't so much a choice as it was due to a lack of options.

Now, I have options and I have no idea what to do. Do I continue trying to find balance and work at maintaining frienships or do I just do what I always do and pack up, leave town and start over? I don't want to, but then again I have been doing this all my life. Anything other than this would be too different. It would propel me out of my safety zone. I don't want to spend difficult moments and lonely nights abroad taking comfort in the fact I have people "back home". I don't know when Kuwait became home. I don't want it to be home. I don't want my peace of mind to depend on other people, if only in the tiniest sense.

Did I mention I'm moving to Ireland in about six weeks?

I probably didn't, did I? You'll have to forgive me, as I've spent copious amounts of time doing the one thing I vowed to never do: I've been looking back on my life these past 12 months and regretting more than I ever thought I would. Perhaps if I had remained out of reach things would be easier for me now. Perhaps if I had just remained content with wondering, as opposed to experiencing, I would still have that lusty mind of mine as a safe-haven. But, my mortality was solidified by the fact my curiosity got the best of me.

I wanted, and so I got and now I have. What do I do with all of it?


Dying to repent,

S.

PS - What's up?  

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Verity

The quality of my life would improve if more people dressed like hookers from the Eighties.


In my defense, it has been a busy month.

I know, I know, I know. I promised (like I always do) several posts about all things to do with June: Summer, Pride month, transitions and an update on my life but... Well, I've been busy living that life. Not to say that since I've somehow managed to fall ass backwards into a life, that I've forgotten about you guys... Because I haven't. 

Really. 

(Side note: Does anyone still read this thing?)

Melodrama and my latent teen-angst aside, let's all take our eyes off my impeccably phrased, albeit half-assed, excuses and cast a quick glance at the title of this post.

No, folks it's not just another one of those obscure words I toss your way in an effort to come across as wiser and wittier than I actually am. It's an old word to for a very new aspect of my life. "Verity" is a synonym for "Truth". (Find a less hormonal explanation/definition here.)

As we all know, June is International Pride Month. What are we celebrating? We are celebrating ourselves. We are celebrating our family, our friends, our lovers, our soul-mates... We are rejoicing in liberty; personal, physical and emotional.

Sadly, we do so quietly in Kuwait. However, for the sake of beautiful news like gay marriage being legalized in New York only a few glorious days ago and the fight against DADT still being fought, we must not focus on the negative. We'll look to the positive and strive for more of that good stuff. Deal? Deal. (Can I just say I love it when you guys agree with me? I do. I really, really do.)

Kuwait is one of those countries where there will be a lot of shame and stigma surrounding you (and your family/loved ones) if you fail to fit into a very narrow mold. Try to spread your wings beyond a cetain set of criteria and you'll have guns aimed at you like it's hunting season and neon is the new black. Things aren't hopeless though; it just takes things longer in some parts of the world. Religion and politics aside, gay rights are human rights. Whether you agree with this or not is entirely up to you. However, ask yourself this question: What makes you so much better than someone who is gay? What gives you an entitlement to more rights, more freedom to express yourself and more liberty?

Exactly. 

You don't have to condone, celebrate or promote something you don't "believe in", but you shouldn't condone, celebrate or promote hatred towards anyone or anything either. My strict (but always loving) Scottish God Mother raised me with several old-school sayings, and the one that I still carry around with me is the following:
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

It's that simple. 
   

Dipping her fingers into your true colors,
S.
 
PS - Gay marriage has been legal in Canada since 2005... Just saying. 
PPS - Congrats to Beyonce on the release of her album today. It's an excellent piece of work.
PPPS - This one was for you.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Top Hats

To Women As Far As I'm Concerned

D.H. Lawrence

The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feeling I don't have, I won't say I have.
The feelings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty sure they haven't got them.
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
You'd better abandon all ideas of feelings altogether.
This poem is one of my favorites. I decided to share it because, quite frankly, you guys are exposed to enough music and Tumblr-esque photos. Why not allow words to ignite images or set off concerts in your mind? (You're welcome, guys.)

One of the nice things about going through this journey that is life alone is that for a very long time I did not have to answer to anyone. I never had to censor (or even modify) any of my opinions so that I could avoid offending anyone I cared about. I never worried about alienating anyone and ending up on my own because I already was very much alone. Moving, my personality, the general public's lack of intellect were all factors that contributed to this era of my life being spent solo. I didn't mind it, and for better or worse, I enjoyed that freedom. It gave me all the time I needed to craft who I am today. I read books, introduced myself to ideas, slowly began forming opinions... All these event occurred completely unchallenged. The only time a thought or notion would be rejected was if I didn't like it, or more accurately, if its presence in my life (or mind) would interfere with the "image" I wanted to eventually project to the world. 

Now... things are different.  

Now, I have friends. I have people I love, people I admire, people I hate, people whose funeral I hope to attend, people who I can't go a day without speaking to... You get the picture? Good. (See? I knew encouraging your minds to grow through poetry would pay off.)

However, I digress. 

To make a long (and unnecessarily sappy) story short, I let people into my life. I now have to figure out a way to honor my relationships with them all while staying true to who I am. 

This blog is a result of my inability to do just that with family and school friends. I'm assuming you can see the dilemma now. What's even more frustrating is that I know people read what I write here and wonder about where it all came from. Why can't I just say these things to them? Well, I never prepared myself for any of this. I assumed I was going to continue to be isolated in this hermeneutic cul-de-sac I had made for myself all those years ago. I don't think I can have other people in here and still be who I am.
I need to find a way to make sure everyone I love is okay, and then I want need to disappear. 

I need magic.


Giving you a penny,

S.

 

PS - What do you do when you realize you don't like who you are, but you decide to keep her around anyways? 

Friday, June 10, 2011

Wear It Well

Gay cupcakes. If this doesn't make sense you, Kuwait, I don't know what will.

Lady Gaga chants - "A king with no crown, king with no crown..."

Nicki Minaj spits -  "In this very moment I'm king..." 

Beyonce... well, she did this:


June is Pride Month. Here's me kicking it off a few days late, but still! Yes, I know it's based in the US but if we follow their lead in everything from fashion to food, then why not this as well?

Exactly, Kuwait.

Also, the royal theme in today's popular music has been showcased by yours truly to encourage you to challenge gender stereotypes. Although, I want you to always challenge stereotypes, be they gender-oriented or otherwise. 

Whether it's for yourself or for someone you love, just keep fighting. I know I always will. 


Embracing you all,

S.

PS - I'll obviously be doing a few posts of actual substance in regards to this matter. Watch out for them in the near future. 

PPS - I've recently discovered that I'm a terrible hugger. Despite this fact, I still embrace you all.

PPPS - Because I know I'm going to get a flood of emails about this... No, I'm not gay myself. I'm just a kick-ass hag/human rights supporter.

Dynamite

This one is for the boys in polos... Just kidding! (I hate those douche-bags.)
"Boy you got my heartbeat runnin' away
Beating like a drum and it's coming your way
Can't you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass
He got that super bass"

Drummers are so badass.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Rhythm & Blues

You go through life realizing that for better or worse, you're different. You learn to embrace it because it's what seems to attract people to you. You hone the stage production that is you into a spectacular Broadway production. You get fame, attention, praise, criticism, negative reviews, a lag in ticket sales... 

You take your show to the streets. You let your performance art roam the alleyways and avenues (NOT the mall). You're an artist. Scratch that, you're the artist. Not confined to any particular form of expression, you settle down. You think you've found peace. Your world is calm and quiet. To remind yourself of who you are, you go back to marching to the beat of your own drum.

You miss a beat. You realize you're not the artist. You're the drum. 

You're just the empty drum. 


Rinsing echoes out of her mouth,

S.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Concepts & Rules

Sometimes, you just have to revamp what you already have. This cover is a personal favorite, enjoy!


(It's been a while since I've tuned out the rest of the world and sat down to write, so I'll ask that you bear with. I'm not entirely sure what we'll get out of this post, but it should be fun nonetheless.)


We should get all caught up, right? Let's see... Well, as you can tell I haven't been writing (I really dislike the term blogging) steadily since February. The reasons for this are colorful and varied, but don't worry because I've had a magnificent few months since we last were in touch. What I'm trying to say that, for the most part, I'm doing well and I hope you are all happy and healthy. If you guys are good, I'm good.

Next on the agenda: this domain.

After some pesky family members decided to hunt down my SUPER SECRET blog domain, this thing kind of lost some its luster. While I could care less if anyone from my "real life" reads what I write here, I just really enjoyed the fact I never had to think twice about saying anything here. Here, I don't represent a last name or a family or a religion or even a sect. On my blog, I'm simply me... or at least I was. However, after my initial juvenile rage subsided, I realized that a good deal of my readers know who I am, and my relatives/real life-ers lack the intellectual sophistication to fully grasp what it is I try to say here, so it's all good. 

I would move, and I have tried several times, but it seems as though I've grown rather attached to both this domain and the lovely readers who frequent it. Intellectually, and even sometimes emotionally, this has become something of a home for me. Like a childhood home, I skim through my older posts and realize just how much I've grown here. We've (you, the readers, and I) have had some highs and lows, had some laughs and some serious discussions. For those reasons, I can't seem to bring myself to give it up. Add that to the fact I now have TEN people following this blog (Do you know how hard it is to get an audience when you're NOT blogging about brownies and expos?), so it seems we'll be celebrating our one year blog birthday here and soon! 

That's all the boring and official stuff out of the way, so I think I'll take a self-indulgent trip down memory lane for you guys.

A couple of nights ago, I found myself at the graduation ceremony for my old high school. I had kindly been invited by a dear friend, and I would have been a fool to say. The girls looked beautiful, the ceremony was (surprisingly) light and it was an enjoyable night overall. I must say, I enjoyed the graduation much more from the audience's vantage point. This time last year, I was a miserable mess. If it hadn't been for the insistence of one particular friend, I wouldn't have gone to my own graduation. Looking back, I'm glad she insisted I show up. Yes, it was horrible and I hated every minute of it, but at least I went. Sure, I could have stayed home and felt bad for myself, but that would have been too easy. Someday in the future, I will be able to tell my cats about how uncomfortable I was during those two hours, and how I felt it was like some sort of reverse celebration of my acheivments. How I felt like my entire fail of a senior year culminated into that one night, with all those pretty lights dangling from the ceiling meant to show me just how little of my potential I had achieved.

I felt horrible for a very long time after that night last year, but you know what I did? I got up, wiped my tears off my face and turned my life around. Here I am exactly one year later, a completely different person with a completely different outlook on life. It's definitely safe to say that this past year has seen me grow up. I'm a different (not necessarily) better person, but that's just how life goes. 

Speaking of life, I should wrap up this post before we run out of ours. Apologies for the long-winded comeback post, but I've suffered at the hand of my writer's block for so long, and I've had so much to say, so you can only imagine how happy I am to be back. I have so many projects planned for the blog, I'm really excited to share them with you!  

Okay, I'll stop typing.

Pasting together the past,

S.