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To Women As Far As I'm Concerned

D.H. Lawrence

The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feeling I don't have, I won't say I have.
The feelings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty sure they haven't got them.
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
You'd better abandon all ideas of feelings altogether.

This poem is one of my favorites. I decided to share it because, quite frankly, you guys are exposed to enough music and Tumblr-esque photos. Why not allow words to ignite images or set off concerts in your mind? (You're welcome, guys.)

One of the nice things about going through this journey that is life alone is that for a very long time I did not have to answer to anyone. I never had to censor (or even modify) any of my opinions so that I could avoid offending anyone I cared about. I never worried about alienating anyone and ending up on my own because I already was very much alone. Moving, my personality, the general public's lack of intellect were all factors that contributed to this era of my life being spent solo. I didn't mind it, and for better or worse, I enjoyed that freedom. It gave me all the time I needed to craft who I am today. I read books, introduced myself to ideas, slowly began forming opinions... All these event occurred completely unchallenged. The only time a thought or notion would be rejected was if I didn't like it, or more accurately, if its presence in my life (or mind) would interfere with the "image" I wanted to eventually project to the world. 

Now... things are different.  

Now, I have friends. I have people I love, people I admire, people I hate, people whose funeral I hope to attend, people who I can't go a day without speaking to... You get the picture? Good. (See? I knew encouraging your minds to grow through poetry would pay off.)

However, I digress. 

To make a long (and unnecessarily sappy) story short, I let people into my life. I now have to figure out a way to honor my relationships with them all while staying true to who I am. 

This blog is a result of my inability to do just that with family and school friends. I'm assuming you can see the dilemma now. What's even more frustrating is that I know people read what I write here and wonder about where it all came from. Why can't I just say these things to them? Well, I never prepared myself for any of this. I assumed I was going to continue to be isolated in this hermeneutic cul-de-sac I had made for myself all those years ago. I don't think I can have other people in here and still be who I am.

I need to find a way to make sure everyone I love is okay, and then I want need to disappear. 

I need magic.

Giving you a penny,

S.

 

PS - What do you do when you realize you don't like who you are, but you decide to keep her around anyways?