Saturday, April 2, 2011


It's almost two in the morning right now, and I'm sitting on the floor of my new bedroom, cross-legged with my Mac in my lap. Beside me, I have the following:
  1. A mini white-board
  2. A biology textbook
  3. My iPhone 
  4. Various boxes and suitcases
I went to bed a few hours ago, but woke up to get myself a drink of water and decided that since I'm up, I might as well do a bit of review before I doze off. Who are we kidding? 
I'm going to blog.
I don't really have much to say. What I initially mistook for some inner sense of peace, some much needed calm, turned out to be something else entirely. Rather than peace, I think I've stumbled upon defeat. As it stands, I have no idea what my future holds. No, this isn't one of those exciting "look-at-all-the-opportunities-that-may-lie-ahead" kind of chaos; it's much, much worse.

I don't know where I'm going to end up. People ask, and I'll confuse them with some cryptic answer involving the Ministry of Higher Education's fuckery, Canadian paperwork and KU but the truth is... maybe I don't want to get my transfer? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's no secret that I have little to no sincere desire to pursue medicine. Listening to myself justify this odd career choice to my friends, and you'd almost think I'm trying to convince myself of something. 

I dislike science. I hate math. No matter what I do or say, I'll never become half the doctor my father is. I highly doubt I will even graduate from medical school (not a "real" one anyways), if I make it in to one. I can't not at least try, because then I' shall be doing nothing more than proving the naysayers right. My parents will say, "Oh, you're not medschool material anyways." I'll be furious and want to prove everyone wrong, but I can't. I can't right a wrong with another wrong. 

I don't even know if I'm good enough to excel at what I want to do (something with English, politics and publishing). So, a crippling fear of failure and a lack of academic confidence seem to have me forever bound to this stupid track. My hands are tied.

Sleepy, depressed, and staving off anxiety attacks.

Wrecking the train,

PS - I'm really sleepy.


  1. captian thug to the rescue

    you have to think in the long term of things: what do you want in life, happiness or career. one might say both, which can be also be an option if you are a person bestowed by good charm and luck. but in reality they dont merge together. HAPPINESS is pursuing the thing you love to do even though it may not provide a good salary or position(you already established such things like english, politics and publishing). CAREER in the other hand is pursuing opportunities in the work field or market that you might not love, like engineering , biology or medicine. but in their pursuit you gain money, fame and fortune.

    now put on top of that the expectation of your family then your choices become narrower and narrower and tend to lead towards the career side of choices (since all families want their children to be 'muhandis doctor 6ayyar' lol)

    long story short: common sense says follow your heart and what you love, but balance it to what it is lacking in the market and what would give you a decent standard of living.

    listen: here is a stranger telling you that you are good at what you do based solely on what you write in this grim looking blog of yours. so put aside your feeling of doubt and lack of confidence. good hunting :>

    "I dislike science. I hate math"
    tsk tsk tsk
    strike 1

  2. Even feminists need saving once in a while. Thank you, this comment really mad a bad moment worth something.

    Now be a good boy, and leave the score keeping to me, okay Rubber Man?