Thursday, July 21, 2011

Update Needed

While I would never deny that I am a curious creature by nature, I like to think that I've done my best to not become a gossip. Granted, I've had my weak and childish moments, but as of late I've done my best to be a mature and respectful person. I've done and said things in the (relatively recent) past that were not only unnecessary, but also stupid. However, the time I have spent reflecting on these actions and trying to get to the root of why I did them lead me to several conclusions; the motives behind these actions were spurned by childish jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. Their only saving grace, my only saving grace, was that I never partook in such toxic behavior in an attempt to hurt someone. I simply didn't know how to better express myself.  I hadn't mastered the art of constructive conversation.

There's that. 

Then you come to this new healthy and happy phase in your life. You develop healthy relationships and the 'honeymoon' phase is wonderful. We have so much in common! We can relate to each other! We have the same taste in boys and Starbucks drinks! 


Then what?

Then you are hit with a wall of growing pains. You have to somehow figure out a way to keep the friendship alive, which is quite difficult if you don't have all that much history together. It's not in my nature to be all that curious about other people's live. Something about how only few care and most are just curious stunted any curiosity in regards to the lives of people around me. Sometimes it's misconstrued as not caring, which is frustrating. It's not that I don't care, it's just that if you wanted to tell me something, you would. Or at least I hope you would. I don't know.

It's minor details like this that, time and time again, slip between my fingertips. I suppose it can be chalked up to never having to deal with any long term relationship of any sort. While the frequent moves as a child were difficult, they did take out a lot of the guess work involved in relationships for me. The guess work and the hard work. Some people say that a relationship shouldn't be hardship or hard work. Well, that may have been true a few decades ago, but distance has become an increasingly present component thanks to our international lifestyles. Born in one place, raised in several, attend university "abroad", make friends in various vacation spots... There's a lot of fertile soil out there, and you'll set down some roots whether you want to or not. Sometimes you may even want to cultivate these relationships. Maybe they add something to you life, or bring you joy or I don't know.

I don't know.

It's just such a mess. Emotions are messy. Relationships are messy. You only have some much control, and the rest depends on the other party. I know most people think I over-think things, and while that's true, it's also how I function. I don't even know what I'm trying to communicate anymore.

Can you tell I'm out of my comfort zone?

Forever a hot mess,


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