Monday, December 13, 2010


A new age, a new way of expressing emotion.

Today was a rather strange day. For the first time in my life, I felt lonely. 

When I was growing up, we moved every year, so much so that it was basically like clockwork. In terms of family, I was attached to my mother's hip, but my father worked a lot (He still does). Despite this, they both made their presence felt in my early years. I had two brothers (younger) who were each others confidantes. Sometimes they'd let me join in on the fun and secrets with them, other times they'd cast me and my Barbies (Yes, The Expatess had Barbies. Shocking, I know) aside so they could go back to planning out a war attack in the sandbox. My point? I had a happy family, and I was close with them, so no emotional deficit there. Next up: Friends.
Because my Mother is Syrian, all the kids I met growing up were from that general area in the world. The only reason that made any difference was because Syrians take pride in their beautiful porcelain daughters, and I never quite fit in with my tan(ish) skin and black hair.  Physical difference allowed for social gaps to form, and they did. It's always bothered me, and still does, that I don't look like "anything". However, my ethnically ambiguous features can be discussed in another post. 

I digress...

Overall, I've always had a spot of troubling fitting in, but that never bothered me. I was lucky enough to have discovered the joy of reading at a very early age, so I had found my salvation, socially speaking. I can recall many hours spent sitting on carpeted floors in libraries, going through book after book, exploring the world with the flip of a page. Through books and reading, I learned so much I wouldn't even know where to begin. The best investment I ever made will always be those rainy days, sunny afternoons and dull weekends I spent in a number of libraries I visited, from all around the world. Good times, but they are long gone. While KU does have an impressive library, all it contains are math and science related books. Not an ounce of fiction (The Afaq doesn't count, right?) in sight. While I do buy books, and I have quite the collection, libraries are just pointless without fiction. So no real library in my current life makes for strike one. 
Strike two is all about the lack of companionship I have (or don't have) in that damn place. Honestly? I am picky when it comes to "making friends", but only in the sense that I want to spend time with and speak to interesting people. People who can change the way I see the world, challenge the way I think. People that I used to find in books. Fiction books. Strike two.
Strike three? I'm fucking lonely all day everyday and it's turning me into a bitter, mean and pathetic person. In Canada, if the new school sucked, the kids were cool. If the kids were lame, at least my teachers were fun. Worst case scenario, I always had the library. Nowadays, I have nothing. Nothing but this stupid need (Or want?) for company. I want friends. People I can talk to. People I'm comfortable around (I told you I'm becoming pathetic). These days, I don't even recognize my own voice anymore. Any social interaction I have is a forced, albeit impressively put on, performance. Day to day, I find ways to cope. The internet has provided some relief, with this blog and things of that nature, but it's a cheap imitation of life. At best. 

I'm 18. I finally made it to university. My life was supposed to start now, but I'm still waiting. For what? I have no clue.

Walking the walk like only the dead can,


PS - Say something. Anything you want.


  1. From what I've seen on Twitter and this blog, I can easily say you're a very open and socially amiable person, so it buffs me how you're feeling so lonely and lack companions? I think maybe that wall is put up by your own choice, and it is only you that can take down this fence and wall.

  2. Wow, I can't even start to explain how much I relate to this post and what you're going through.

    I'm as picky as you are and it's only because I know, through Twitter & blogs, that great people are out there. I can't help but be picky. It's just frustrating that not one person (around me) seems to understand the way I think. Not one person even tries to engage in a somewhat though-provoking conversation.

    I feel you on the loneliness part. It sucks to go to Uni and back without anyone ever noticing, without ever really talking or hanging out with anyone. It makes me such a hater and, currently, that's all the enjoyment I get out of Uni - making fun of bimbos and whatnot. How sad.

    I don't mean to discourage you but life won't drastically change. You're going to have to go about doing the change yourself. Give people a change, they might not be as what you have in mind but it's better than nothing, no?

  3. What you two (Ex and RS) gotta do is make friends with some bimbos. Sure, they might not add much in terms of conversation, but YOU CAN BE THE SPARK in this bimbo's life. Gloria Steinem (major feminism points, biznitches) was a bunny at the Playboy Club before she went all burning bras (which she probably didn't use!) and equality on everyone.

    BOOM goes the dynamite. You're welcome.

  4. Ali - Walls and fences are child's play. These days I build castles, to which only noble minds are allowed to enter.

    Ex - I've tried, I have. Maybe not sincerely, but... Let me get back to you on that. -_-

    Bodie - I'm DYNAMITE, not a spark. I need people with whom I can converse, people who will get my blood pumping and my mind going ablaze. Also, bimbos use vast amounts of hairspray, which is HIGHLY flammable. Dangerous games...

  5. You need to stop throwing yourself a pity party and really just accept that you don't have friends because you're a loser. Stop joking to yourself by saying you're too good or dynamite for everyone, truth is you're kinda boring, and you smell weird. You're that strange girl that sits in the corner of the classroom cutting herself with the butterknife she got from corn world. Once you accept it, you can move on. Don't argue with me cuz you know I'm right, just telling it like it is.

  6. Fatami - Says the girl who was "GUSTED". How's therapy going? :p

  7. Sayer! The only reason you feel lonely is cause the people you're around are most likely too ignorant to know how cool you are, why do i have a feeling that Fatami is Fenizi? :P

  8. R - If only KUers were as cool (and receptive) as you Sharif... If only.

    And yes, that is Fenizi spamming my blog with her jealousy.

    Welcome to The Expat Files! :D